Ignorance is Bliss

Today's Post reveals skeptics (11/25/09):

Fewer Americans Believe in Global Warming, Poll Shows

But who cares about polls when you've got an Oscar to back you up:

Will We Honor Al Gore's Warning?  Be Amicable – See VP's Film

Read all about it in The Washington Post

No Christ in "Catholic"

The Catholic Church continues to make headlines (11/12/09):

Catholic Church Gives DC Ultimatum

Well here's a news flash for the church:

Mimic Christ?  Ha!  Cad Cult Cut Love – Ugh

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Conservative Anglicans Have All the Fun

News from the Vatican in today's Post (11/10/09):

Plans Will Not Affect Church Celibacy Rules

Which begets the question:

Why Can't Priests Frolic?  Calculable Lech Fun!

Read all about it in The Washington Post

More Talk of Sharks After GOP Sweep Elections

Post reporters swear this headline is more than just a comment on today's political environment (11/04/09):

Great Whites Near Shore More Often Than Believed

Or to put it in technical terms:

Great Whites Have No Ire; Lose Teeth on Men, Barf Red

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Who Needs a Stimulus Package?

Good news for some retailers (11/03/09):

Bullets are Speeding Faster out of Gun Shops in U.S.

You say that rosy economic picture doesn't help you?

Life of Stress?  Shut-Up, Get a Gun, and Rob SE Soup Line

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Britain's Foremost Authority on Marijuana Takes the High Road

News in the UK isn't all that different (11/02/09):

Government Drug Advisers Resign Over Nation's Marijuana Policy

Perhaps the policies hit a little close to home:

Studies Reveal a Juvie on Pot Remains a Virgin Moron; Gangs Cry, "Darn!"

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Scraping Bottom in Search of an Honest Candidate

Looks like many juicy headlines soon to come in The Washington Post:

Bad News for Democrats in Revelation of Ethics Probes

For advice on how to handle them, check the blogosphere:

So Few Politicians are Honest, Dr. Deb Votes for Crab-Men

Read all about it in The Washington Post

BP Corrects Its Safety Hazards...Not

Headlines report a crackdown on the oil industry (10/31/09):

OSHA Hits BP with Record Fine

Internal company memos say it somewhat differently:

Botched Repair Now Fish Sh*t

Read all about it in The Washington Post

What Would Jesus Do?

And now some news from the religious left (10/30/09):

Pastors Unite to Support Same-Sex Marriage in DC

Just how did this come about?

Re:  A Pact's Pretext - Must Praise God; Amour Is No Sin

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Time Flies

Airlines making headlines again (10/27/09):

2 Pilots Say They Were Distracted by Laptops:

Also causing a buzz on the internet:

2 Twitters: They Dally;

Oops!  Crap, Passed It.  Bye.

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Not Just Another Washington Cover Up

In DC, folks are uptight over more than just healthcare, wars, & the economy (10/26/09):

Man Disputes Indecent Exposure Charge

And what does the rest of the world think about this?

Nudes Expect Deep Shrugs -- Not in America!

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Government Takeover Gone Awry

DC again makes the front page of The Washington Post (10/23/09):

Government Widens Control Over Paychecks

Or to say it another way:

AIG's Nervy Perks Concern DC; "Love to Own Them!"

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Pray, Not Another Catholic Conspiracy

News from the right (10/20/09):

Catholic Church to Allow Ordination of Married Former Anglican Priests

Begets pleas from the left:

Foil an Archaic Liar!  Install No More Nuts from the Right!  (Or We Drop CCD) - Ciao

Read all about it in The Examiner

New Use for Old Drug

And now from the Post, some good news for aging liberals (10/20/09):

U.S. Eases Stance on Medical Marijuana

And why?

AMA Manual:  Joints Cure Diseases, Acne

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Sad Day for Liberals and Polar Bears

Bad news for the environment in today's Post (10/20/09):

Shell Wins Federal Approval to Drill for Oil Off Alaska Coast

What the Post meant to say was:

To Save Alaska's Wildlife, Call Off Plans to Drill!  (Horror of EPA)

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Foolish Spending

Is it just a slow news day in Washington? (10/19/09):

Frugality Falling Out of Fashion?

Or are Post reporters simply watering down the facts?:

Fools Hitting Iffy Gala Run Afoul

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Related stories:

A Youthful Fool's Tingling Affair

Guilty Fools Again Lift for Fun - Ha!

It's Nuts to Lighten Up on Agribusiness

Environmental concerns make headlines in the Sunday LA Times (10/18/09):

Scientists Object to Federal Order on Pesticide Testing

But there is an upside to our slacker government policies:

Recent Job Tests Indicate Poison Gets Rid of Red Testicle

Read all about it in the LA Times

Pigging Out is Symptomatic

More news in the Post on the flu pandemic (10/17/09):

Swine Flu Characteristics Becoming More Evident

 For more specific information, read on:

Tail?  Corn Cob Fetish?  Urges in Sewer?  MD, Vaccine Time

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Durbin Scores for Crack Heads

Senators and drugs always make for good news (10/16/09):

Bill Targets Sentencing Rules For Crack and Powder Cocaine

And now you can read all about it on twitter:

Durbin Twitter:  "Prefer Lone Gang Scene - Crack, Occasional LSD"

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Hey Big Spender...

Seems the economy is always in the headlines at The Washington Post (10/15/09):

Report Card Due on Stimulus

And the news is always the same:

Usual DC Rut:  Spend More!  Riot!

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Coloradons Eat for Less

The Washington Post has bad news for low-income workers (10/14/09):

Colorado to Lower its Minimum Wage

In other words:

Rigid Co. Law Won Out; Omit More Meals!

Mickey's Retail Rollercoaster

The economy again makes headlines in The New York Times (10/13/09):

Disney's Retail Plan is a Theme Park in Stores

Though consumer woes go largely unreported:

As I Sit, a Parent is at Risk; Toys Need Merlin's Help

Read all about it in The New York Times

White House Melt Down

The Washington Post shines a light on global warming (10/12/09):

Obama Urged to Intensify Push for Climate Measure

As the world swells with anticipation:

Forecast Heats Up; Frigid EU's Entirely Mum on Obama

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Tyson Fresh Meat - Yeah, Right

The Post reports a tough break for the meat industry (10/11/09):

Shipments Blocked From U.S. Meatpacker

Spreading despair among carnivores:

 Meat Eaters Bum:  Pork is No McDs!  Help KFC!

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Obama to Share Prize with Bush...Not!

A long winded headline from a conservative columnist (10/10/09):

President Barack Obama Nobel Peace Prize Win Mocks Award; GOP has Ammunition on Iran, Afghanistan

elicits an equally long-winded liberal reply:

New American Prez Acknowledges Past Abomination (a.k.a. Bush) Brings a Commendation; No Rap if Pariah

Read all about it in the NY Daily News

Droppings in Earnings

The Post's Business Digest reports good news for one soda company (10/09/09):

PepsiCo Improves Despite Sales Drop

though the news isn't as good for its competitors:

Mice Poop Sedative is Dr. Pepper's Loss

Read all about it in The Washington Post (scroll down)

Caligula Curriculum

More eye-popping local news in today's Post (10/08/09):

Md. University System to Adopt Rules on Use of Pornographic Films

In other words:

U.Md. Professors Grope Flesh (Yummy), Insist Porn Vital to Education

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Direct from the article - not making this up - "University officials are looking into policy language that might require that any materials considered obscene be presented along with an educational component." Um, okay.

Full Service Spa Treatments

From a local report in The Washington Post (10/07/09):

Camry Plows Into Salon in Bethesda

a niche service is born:

Hot Oil Body Wrap Cleanses Man's Tin

Read all about it in The Washington Post

No More Mr. Nice Guy...Ho Ho Ho

The Post's Business Digest paints a bleak holiday outlook for retailers (10/07/09):

Neiman's Christmas Book Reflects Belt-Tightening

And it looks even worse for high tech:

Santa Trims Ten Geeks from Nice List, Hobbling Tech

Read all about it in The Washington Post (scroll down)

In DC, You Get What You Pay For

A headline from The Washington Post (10/06/09):

AAA Predicts the Price of Gas Could Go as Low as $2 a Gallon

Another headline from a Washington insider:

What  Could a Person Get for $2?   CIA Apologies 

(DC's Saga - La La!)

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Vegetarians to South Dakota: Told You So!

The AP reports on life up north (10/05/09):

44 Tons of Rotting Meat Stink Up SD Town

Leading PETA to publish its own reports:

SD Town Skins Man; 44 Get Tofutti Pronto

Read all about it

A Fed with a Gun Walks into a Bar...

The Washington Post reports concerns over current gun laws (10/03/09):

450 Mayors Petition Obama To Adopt Broad Gun Reform

To understand the full extent of the problem, unscramble the headline:

Yo!  ATF Agents Admit Doom - Arm 450 Poor, Pirate Bourbon  

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Washington Tries to Clean Up Its Act

The Post uncovers more dirt in Washington (10/01/09):

EPA, Senate Take Aim at Greenhouse Gases

Of course, if the paper were really as liberal as it used to be, it may have come right out and said:

Senate Teases:  Aha!  Eat Sea Grime - Nuke GOP!

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Sarah Tells All

The New York Times reports the latest on former governor Palin (9/29/09):

Sarah Palin Is "Going Rogue" With Early Release of Memoir

For a sneak peak inside the new book, unscramble the headline:

A Leerier Mayor, Palin Airs Flings With A. Gore, Huge Moose

Read all about it in The New York Times.

Run Roman, Run!

AP Headlines speculate director's future (9/27/09):

Polanski Arrest Could be His Path to Freedom

Now read what's really in store for the fugitive director:

Sir Romeo Bails! Stop That Fun Old Pecker-Head!

Read all about it in Yahoo! News

Lutherans Come Out for Jesus

A headline from the Post (9/25/09):

Decision on Gay Clergy Shakes Unity of Lutheran Denomination

prompts a message from above:

Yo Lutherans! God Doesn't Care if Anyone's Gay! Incite Union!

-- H. Milk

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Busy Day for G-20

A blase headline from today's Post (9/23/09):

For G-20 Summit, Old Issues Give Way to New

Perhaps a different headline would be more compelling:

20 Dimwits Forge Mess, Avow Lying, Oust EU

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Take the Money and Run

The Washington Post picked up this headline from the AP (9/23/09):

UBS to Tell Americans If They Are on IRS List

If you find yourself on that list, unscramble the headline for additional advice:

Use Cash to Flee to Israel - Library Mints Tin

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Other places to which one might flee: Iran, Malta, Syria, and Tibet

Drill Baby, Drill...or I'll Blow You to Smithereens

Here's what The Washington Post is reporting today (9/22/09):

Obama Missile Decision May Smooth US-Russia Arms Talk

And here's the story that went unreported until now:

US ID's Bush's Secret Mission - "Oil...Or My Ammo Aims at Alaska!"

Read all about it in The Washington Post.

Giving the GOP a Taste of its Own Medicine

Here's what The Washington Post wrote (9/19/09):

Right-Wing Activists Find Cause For Cheer

But here's what the liberal media is really hoping for:

Right Whiners Cut-Off -- Given Sadistic Care

Health Care Wizard

Today's Washington Post offers hope for health care reform (9/17/09):

Baucus Measure Would Expand Care Without Adding to Deficit

Just how's it going to happen? The secret is hidden within the headline:

A Deluded Baucus to Fix Insurance with Magic - We Dared Opt Out

Read all about it in The Washington Post

Buggy Trade War

The New York Times tries to downplay US-Chinese tensions (9/15/09):

China Says Tire Spat Shouldn't Hurt US Ties

While the headline within the headline spins a very different story:

US Spurns Asia:  "TTYL Insects!  Hit the Road, Hu!"

Read all about it in the New York Times

Foot-in-Mouth Fault

The Chicago Tribune reports crazy happenings in tennis (9/14/09):

Serena Williams' US Open Title Defense Ends with Bizarre Loss to Kim Clijsters

To top it off, check out the strange confession concealed within the headline:

"Foot Didn't Pass Line; 'Twas in Mouth!" Cries Serena.  Tells Sis, "Jeez, I...Well, I'm Berserk!"

Read all about it in The Chicago Tribune

Kudos to the Tribune for coming up with such a wordy (and sneaky) headline!

School Snacks

Here's the dope from today's New York Times (9/11/09):

Sickened by Brownies, but It Wasn't Food Poisoning

But is it really just a sly way of pushing for similar reforms in NY:

Wise Weed's Big in Ca. -- Snobby Kids on Pot Out in Front

Read all about it in The New York Times

Underwear Fetish

This headline from The Washington Post was just too hard to pass up (9/9/09):

Panty Thief Pleads Guilty to Burglary

Sound outrageous?  The more likely headline would be:

Guy Tips a Teen Girl to Fully Pad Thy Bra

Note:  This headline may contain other latent messages not fit for younger audiences.  Obviously, we're not going to print them here, though don't be surprised if your subconscious mind goes ahead and rearranges the letters into something along the lines of:  Guy Pads Lift-Up Bra to _ _ _  thy Teen Girl.  Hmmm.

Military Considers Fat Recruits

Even the local news is dubious.  Check out this headline from the Loudoun Times Mirror (9/9/09):

Study:  75% of Youth Unfit for Military Service

Of course, there's always another angle to any story:

Vets:  You Try it if Your Fat Child is 75% More Fun

Message from the President

The Post appears to defend Obama's speech to school kids (9/8/09):

President Seeks to Avoid Politics in Speech to Schools

The unscrambled headline, however, boasts a somewhat different message:

Pres Copies Polish Vote -- 

Insists Cool Kids Need to Cheat

Living (Room) in the Fast Lane

NY traffic accident makes headlines in the Sunday Post (9/6/09):

Car Crashes Through Second Floor of House

But was it really an accident?  Or the spark of a growing anti-antique furniture conspiracy:

Rush Hour Legend Shafts Ochre Rococo Sofa 

Corporations Take Steps to Address Global Warming

Another sensational headline from The Washington Post (9/4/09):

Emissions Linked to End of 2,000-Year Arctic Trend

And the real headline it isn't allowed to print:

2,000 N.A. CEOs Atone for Dirty Sins - Drink Melted Ice

Crazy Southern Geezers

Pretty bizarre stuff in today's Post headlines:

Ga. Man Accused of Slapping Crying Child at Store

But the unscrambled version is even more bizarre:

A Dancing Old Git on PCP Screams, "Shut Ya' Face, Girl!"

Catholic Auto Workers Unite

Here's an interesting headline from today's Post (9/2/09):

Wuerl Ups Opposition To Gay Marriage

Oddly enough, this can also be written to read:

Priest Gropes A Loin At UAW Opium Orgy

Curious...

Mad Cow

Unscramble this headline from The Washington Post (9/1/09):

Livestock Drug Found in One-Third of Cocaine

to reveal the story within the story:

DC Nun Vouched for Calf Snorting OD Kit  

E-I-E-I-O

Also worth noting:  if 90% of our paper currency is tainted with Cocaine (see 8/19 headline), and one-third of the Cocaine supply is tainted with livestock drugs, that means roughly 30% of our bills are laced with vet meds.  Maybe we should just stop paying for healthcare and start consuming our own cash.

Here's the video version of the August 19th headline anagram:

Liberal Media Conspiracy

There is mounting evidence to suggest that today's newspapers are no longer reporting the facts but are forwarding their own agendas through the subversive use of headline anagrams.

Check out these recent headlines from The Washington Post:

8/19/09:

Researchers Find Cocaine on Most Bills

can be easily rearranged to read:

Nice Crimes for Liberals Stoned on Cash

8/23/09:

Signs of Recovery Boost Stocks

can also be written:

Go-Scooby Fest Rocks Investors

8/25/09:

Norwegian Hamlets Seek Wall Street Amends

is easily transformed into:

Denmark's Hamlet Slew Norwegian State Eels

8/27/09:

Lab Produces Monkeys With 2 Mothers

is really just another way of saying:

2 Chums Do Empower Thy Lesbian Stork

Don't let the liberal media brainwash you with its subliminal jumbled messages. Read between the headlines...