Saturday, October 31, 2009

BP Corrects Its Safety Hazards...Not

Headlines report a crackdown on the oil industry (10/31/09):
OSHA Hits BP with Record Fine
Internal company memos say it somewhat differently:
Botched Repair Now Fish Sh*t

Friday, October 30, 2009

What Would Jesus Do?

And now some news from the religious left (10/30/09):
Pastors Unite to Support Same-Sex Marriage in DC
Just how did this come about?
Re:  A Pact's Pretext - Must Praise God; Amour Is No Sin

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Time Flies

Airlines making headlines again (10/27/09):
2 Pilots Say They Were Distracted by Laptops:
Also causing a buzz on the internet:
2 Twitters: They Dally;
Oops!  Crap, Passed It.  Bye.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Not Just Another Washington Cover Up

In DC, folks are uptight over more than just healthcare, wars, & the economy (10/26/09):
Man Disputes Indecent Exposure Charge
And what does the rest of the world think about this?
Nudes Expect Deep Shrugs -- Not in America!


Friday, October 23, 2009

Government Takeover Gone Awry

DC again makes the front page of The Washington Post (10/23/09):
Government Widens Control Over Paychecks
Or to say it another way:
AIG's Nervy Perks Concern DC; "Love to Own Them!"

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Pray, Not Another Catholic Conspiracy

News from the right (10/20/09):
Catholic Church to Allow Ordination of Married Former Anglican Priests
Begets pleas from the left:
Foil an Archaic Liar!  Install No More Nuts from the Right!  (Or We Drop CCD) - Ciao

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

New Use for Old Drug

And now from the Post, some good news for aging liberals (10/20/09):
U.S. Eases Stance on Medical Marijuana
And why?
AMA Manual:  Joints Cure Diseases, Acne

Sad Day for Liberals and Polar Bears

Bad news for the environment in today's Post (10/20/09):
Shell Wins Federal Approval to Drill for Oil Off Alaska Coast
What the Post meant to say was:
To Save Alaska's Wildlife, Call Off Plans to Drill!  (Horror of EPA)

Monday, October 19, 2009

Foolish Spending

Is it just a slow news day in Washington? (10/19/09):
Frugality Falling Out of Fashion?
Or are Post reporters simply watering down the facts?:
Fools Hitting Iffy Gala Run Afoul


Related stories:
A Youthful Fool's Tingling Affair
Guilty Fools Again Lift for Fun - Ha!


Sunday, October 18, 2009

It's Nuts to Lighten Up on Agribusiness

Environmental concerns make headlines in the Sunday LA Times (10/18/09):
Scientists Object to Federal Order on Pesticide Testing
But there is an upside to our slacker government policies:
Recent Job Tests Indicate Poison Gets Rid of Red Testicle

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Pigging Out is Symptomatic

More news in the Post on the flu pandemic (10/17/09):
Swine Flu Characteristics Becoming More Evident
 For more specific information, read on:
Tail?  Corn Cob Fetish?  Urges in Sewer?  MD, Vaccine Time

Friday, October 16, 2009

Durbin Scores for Crack Heads

Senators and drugs always make for good news (10/16/09):
Bill Targets Sentencing Rules For Crack and Powder Cocaine
And now you can read all about it on twitter:
Durbin Twitter:  "Prefer Lone Gang Scene - Crack, Occasional LSD"

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Hey Big Spender...

Seems the economy is always in the headlines at The Washington Post (10/15/09):
Report Card Due on Stimulus
And the news is always the same:
Usual DC Rut:  Spend More!  Riot!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Coloradons Eat for Less

The Washington Post has bad news for low-income workers (10/14/09):
Colorado to Lower its Minimum Wage
In other words:
Rigid Co. Law Won Out; Omit More Meals!


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Mickey's Retail Rollercoaster

The economy again makes headlines in The New York Times (10/13/09):
Disney's Retail Plan is a Theme Park in Stores
Though consumer woes go largely unreported:
As I Sit, a Parent is at Risk; Toys Need Merlin's Help

Monday, October 12, 2009

White House Melt Down

The Washington Post shines a light on global warming (10/12/09):
Obama Urged to Intensify Push for Climate Measure
As the world swells with anticipation:
Forecast Heats Up; Frigid EU's Entirely Mum on Obama

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Tyson Fresh Meat - Yeah, Right

The Post reports a tough break for the meat industry (10/11/09):
Shipments Blocked From U.S. Meatpacker
Spreading despair among carnivores:
 Meat Eaters Bum:  Pork is No McDs!  Help KFC!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Obama to Share Prize with Bush...Not!

A long winded headline from a conservative columnist (10/10/09):
President Barack Obama Nobel Peace Prize Win Mocks Award; GOP has Ammunition on Iran, Afghanistan
elicits an equally long-winded liberal reply:
New American Prez Acknowledges Past Abomination (a.k.a. Bush) Brings a Commendation; No Rap if Pariah


Friday, October 9, 2009

Droppings in Earnings

The Post's Business Digest reports good news for one soda company (10/09/09):
PepsiCo Improves Despite Sales Drop
though the news isn't as good for its competitors:
Mice Poop Sedative is Dr. Pepper's Loss

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Caligula Curriculum

More eye-popping local news in today's Post (10/08/09):
Md. University System to Adopt Rules on Use of Pornographic Films
In other words:
U.Md. Professors Grope Flesh (Yummy), Insist Porn Vital to Education


Direct from the article - not making this up - "University officials are looking into policy language that might require that any materials considered obscene be presented along with an educational component." Um, okay.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Full Service Spa Treatments

From a local report in The Washington Post (10/07/09):
Camry Plows Into Salon in Bethesda
a niche service is born:
Hot Oil Body Wrap Cleanses Man's Tin

No More Mr. Nice Guy...Ho Ho Ho

The Post's Business Digest paints a bleak holiday outlook for retailers (10/07/09):
Neiman's Christmas Book Reflects Belt-Tightening
And it looks even worse for high tech:
Santa Trims Ten Geeks from Nice List, Hobbling Tech



Tuesday, October 6, 2009

In DC, You Get What You Pay For

A headline from The Washington Post (10/06/09):
AAA Predicts the Price of Gas Could Go as Low as $2 a Gallon
Another headline from a Washington insider:
What  Could a Person Get for $2?   CIA Apologies 
(DC's Saga - La La!)

Monday, October 5, 2009

Vegetarians to South Dakota: Told You So!

The AP reports on life up north (10/05/09):
44 Tons of Rotting Meat Stink Up SD Town
Leading PETA to publish its own reports:
SD Town Skins Man; 44 Get Tofutti Pronto

Saturday, October 3, 2009

A Fed with a Gun Walks into a Bar...

The Washington Post reports concerns over current gun laws (10/03/09):
450 Mayors Petition Obama To Adopt Broad Gun Reform
To understand the full extent of the problem, unscramble the headline:
Yo!  ATF Agents Admit Doom - Arm 450 Poor, Pirate Bourbon  

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Washington Tries to Clean Up Its Act

The Post uncovers more dirt in Washington (10/01/09):
EPA, Senate Take Aim at Greenhouse Gases
Of course, if the paper were really as liberal as it used to be, it may have come right out and said:
Senate Teases:  Aha!  Eat Sea Grime - Nuke GOP!